It has been quite crazy these last two weeks. I needed it to be so much less crazy. My coping skills are nearly broken… and my patience left mid week. It has been a roller coaster ride, that spat me out finally in my front yard, on my back, staring into the sky next to my dog. But to just review this recent ride:
Week before last was the end of the school year for West Sound Academy. Students taking final exams, international students saying good bye, and then graduation for the class of 2011. I’m so proud of those wonderful young people.
And then I start to plummet down. My own kids had their last week of school. When I wanted to celebrate with them I couldn’t. I wanted to just relax, and couldn’t. I was racing to get report cards edited, complete the final transcripts, so much work to do! My two international students were packing to go back to their families. I wanted to hang out with them, and couldn’t. Philipp’s mom even came to stay with us for a few days. What little time I could squeeze in to be with her left us both wishing we had MORE TIME. And then yesterday they were gone. Fred left for China this morning. I’ve been cheated out of the moments that were supposed to be filled with joy and reflection of the last year.
I’ve hit the bottom and I’m exhausted.
I noticed my old dog lying in the front yard. There are tufts of her fur everywhere because she is constantly shedding. I start to walk around her, and pick up the fur.
She’s awake, but has her eyes closed, just chilling out. I want THAT. So I lie on the ground next to her. She checks me out and gives me a few kisses. I try to imagine what she might be thinking, and it occurs to me that she is probably not thinking at all. She’s just blinking.
I think, “I’m gonna try this.” On my back staring up through the branches of a tree and into the sky beyond. It’s cloudy. Quiet. All I can hear is bird chatter and my son sweeping his hand through his bin of Legos in his room. I can hear an airplane. That’s all. Birds, Legos, and an airplane. I blink.. like my dog, totally wishing I was really a dog and this was the extent of my existence.
My old girl Leica… she will be 15 in August. that is 105! I look over at her, blinking, shedding, chilling. Shedding. That’s what I was doing…. picking up fur in the front yard. So.. I give up the sweet fantasy and decide to finish the task, and resume peopleish type things.
But I can’t get off the ground. Seriously. My back seizes up as I try to just roll over. It’s awkward.. I’m wincing in pain, trying to get on all fours so I can somehow pull myself to my feet. She’s blinking… still, at 105. I’m 40, slowly trying to stand up and hoping none of my neighbors chose this moment for an evening stroll.
So… I totally enjoyed pretending to be her. But my body is not used to being still, and not on the ground.. so it looks like I’m stuck in peoplehood for now. Here is a darling video my husband put together of our old girl last summer.. doing her doggy chill out thing. What a life.