Dieting theory…

So, for the last several weeks I have been on a diet adopted a new healthy eating plan.  I cut out sugar, salt, wheat, and dairy.  All of them. At once.  Why?  Because I just turned 39 *gasp* and I want to reduce the size of my ass before 40 hits.

No Sugar. Giving up sugar is tough. I loves me my chocolate. After a while, I was craving it less and less, so……Sugar–I’m over you.

No wheat. Really not an issue.  I’m not a big bread lover. Quitting wheat was a piece of cake. Or rather, not the cake, whatever.

No Salt.  More difficult. Especially during ‘that time’ of the month when I pretty much could use one of those salt lick blocks my grandpa used for his cows. Don’t know what I’m talking about?

I can totally relate to this kid. Nomnom.  So giving up salt is a struggle.

No Dairy.  None cheese.  None.  I don’t drink milk…so whoop dee doo.  I don’t eat ice cream much.  I’m on the lactose intolerant side so Milk and Ice Cream are no biggie.  But Cheese.  People, you don’t even know.  I lay in bed and fantasize about cheese. I. Really. Do.  Like fantasizing about quietly sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night and gently opening the refrigerator, stealth-fully opening the ziplock bag of sliced swiss cheese and peel off 2, maybe 3 slices and then tear them into strips and savor them, slowly.

But I never do that. I just fantasize about doing that. I won’t do that later tonight. I’m pretty sure.

So… with all this giving up of the good stuff, my waistline has gotten smaller.  And my butt, maybe a little.  But(t) she gots a long way to go.

You know what word I loathe? Plateau.

I hate that word.  I’m there.  My metabolism has hit the plateau phase of my diet.  It has become all too comfortable with the healthy nut bars, low sodium smoked turkey, and non stop fruits and veggies.  So, I decided to, uh, make my metabolism uncomfortable. Confuse it a bit so that when I eat my celery it goes back to slimville.

Tonight I had a cheeseburger with bacon on it, and I ate the bun, and I washed it down with a Dr. Pepper.  Take that you stodgy metabolism!  You didn’t see that coming did you?  You were expecting another bell pepper, or apple, or…or… a handful of almonds huh?  Well I sure as shit shocked you, so tomorrow when you get the healthy food again….get back to work!

That’s my theory anyway.  Every now and then you gotta throw something crazy at your metabolism so it doesn’t get too comfortable on health food.  I’m already plotting my next attack.  Steak with Bleu Cheese crumbles served on a bed of french fries. And a chocolate malt.  *sidenote- while typing ‘chocolate malt’ I accidentally typed ‘male’ instead of ‘malt.’ That makes me giggle.*


7 thoughts on “Dieting theory…

  1. Love cheese. Love you.
    And, I great big sparkly heart chocolate.
    I am on pretty much the same kick right now… doing the Caveman diet (Paleo), given up all the same good stuff, including coffee. OH.YES.I.SAID.IT! …coffee… i may not reach 40.
    Worse yet- my drink of choice- CHOCOLATE AND COFFEE!!!! Dear God.

  2. Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Pick Me! PICKME!! I’m doing the same sort of thing, except… my whole diet is based on eating every 3 hours and keeping the daily total around 1500 or so. I can eat whatever I want, but I gravitate toward the healthier stuff because I can eat more. (Also, if I eat a chip – even a baked pita chip – at noon, it starts a binge that doesn’t end until I go to bed. In fact, I was really surprised to find that what most people consider a binge is just a normal day for me. Hmmm. Apparently I can really pack it in! Full? What’s that?)

    Worst part of the diet: remembering to eat every 3 hours. That’s hard for me. My normal diet is that I will have coffee first thing, then forget to eat until 4 p.m. and not stop eating until midnight. Best part of the diet: Success is dependent on the cheat meal once/week. Which, like you described, keeps your metabolism going because it makes your body realize that you’re not starving yourself. Sweet! This is the only way I’ve ever been able to lose weight.

    Why am I telling you this? Because nobody wants to hear about diets except other dieters and I’m starved for an audience? Also, I’m hoping you’ll share your chocolate males with me. Even the slightly used ones. I’m not picky.

    Happy Cheat Meals!

    • That is MY normal diet! Coffee and then eat at 4:00 till…bed. But I have to say, this is working now. Yipee! My ass is less huge. Still huge though. Good luck, I’ll be checking in on you!

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