Oh my people, where do I begin? My back. MY BACK! Grrrr!
When I was oh, I don’t know, about 13 or something, it was discovered during one of those routine checks in PE that my back was growing all wonky. I had a experimental treatment for the time, where they put electric pads on my back to shock my muscles into contracting while I slept. Just short of “One Flew Over the Cukoos Nest,” I know. And I did this for 3 years. But it was cool.. my Orthopedic Dr. is like, famous now and the tech that helped looked like Sting and smelled like heaven.. you all know about my nose and men’s cologne.
So.. over time…. much much time… my body has compensated for it’s wonkiness in special ways. Like…I have a weak back, but a strong stomach, and my ass.. well let me tell you… THEY are mighty strong too. Still, every now and NOW I get flair ups. Turn just wrong, lift something I shouldn’t.. and it seizes up. So even though I feel like I’ve been to every specialist under the sun for this, I went to another today. The day played out in a most interesting and hilarious way:
Rush out of the house so as not to be late for an appointment I have the wrong time for and show up an HOUR early. Fail. So.. I think.. hey, “fast food breakfast and a coffee!” I pull into Wendy’s, alone to see a sign, “Now open at 9:00 am.” It’s 8:00 am. I shake my fists and curse at Wendy, and realize I’m not alone. Dude opening the jiffy lube caught the whole thing. I give him a stink eye wave off and speed out of the parking lot. I got a coffee at Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich that is totally overpriced because it has the word “Artisian” in its description. Whatever. Back to the doctors office.
I get called back and they are going to want X-rays. Obviously. They give me not a robe but these shorts to wear. SERIOUSLY. THESE SHORTS ARE MADE OUT OF THICK PAPER! I brought them home for Mark to wear.
The assistant jokes that they are made my Calvin Klein. I had a cute out fit on too.. tank.. little sweater, polka dot skirt, and wedge sandals. I exchanged the skirt for the damn shorts and strutted my self down the hall to the x-Ray room (in my wedge heels), losing hawtness in every step.
Now for the awkward part, yep.. cuz the shorts are not awkward enough. The X-Ray dudes, one senior, one student instruct me to lie on the big hard table for my pictures. One flat on my back, the next in the fetal position on my left side. Do you know what happened to those big ass shorts? My fetal position took the worthless waistband half way down my butt. I reach my hand back there (the techs are both standing behind me) and say, “Look at your worthless X-ray shorts! You can totally see my underwear!” ”We see a lot of underwear in our line of work.” And people, I must have grabbed the gnarliest pair of panties I had in my drawer.. those poor techs. Next, I have to arch my back while still on my left side. Old tech says.. “Wow.. you are really limber.” Heh.. heh…( my laughing, not his, cuz he is SOOO professional). I manage to tweak my back trying to get off the damn X-ray table.
Back to the doctor, and he says.. after looking at my pictures.. that he wants one more. Full back so as to capture all of my scoliosisness. Off to radiology, in my unsexy shorts, no longer strutting, cuz y’all saw my granny panties. I walk in and face both techs. ”You’ll need to take off your bra for this X-ray, so no metal shows up,” says the older one. Right before their eyes, I take off my little sweater, and in seconds un-fasten my strapless bra and toss it to the X-ray table. I wasn’t trying to be a porn star, sometimes it just happens. Older tech says, ” I don’t know how women can do that so fast.” I have to stand for this X-ray and the techs are poking my hips this way and adjusting my shoulder this way.. all the while “the girls” are at full attention, in a tank top. The techs stopped talking to me, except for the old guy apologizing for having to poke at me so much. So.. I took my left index finger and gave him a nice jab in the shoulder.. just being fair and all. Picture done, I strut back to the room in the shorts, heels and a tank with no bra. I am so bad you don’t even know. Here’s the picture:
The end result is that the Doctor said I have to exercise my core Every. Day.
To prevent further injury. Ok.. I guess I will. Right after I finish these 3 oreos, mkay?