The Nose Knows.. has now become a trilogy. It’s a powerful nose, smells both the good and the bad. Here’s what my nostrils happened upon TODAY:
Sitting at my desk, minding my bidness (daydreaming and whatnot), I actually see it before I smell it, a rarity in itself. Greenish streaky smear on the floor behind my desk. Here’s my approach:
Step 1: Blame someone else for stepping in some kind of crap and bringin’ it to my personal space. Then.. reluctantly.. get paper towels and wipe up whilst dry heaving. Stinky shit. Seriously. Done.
*Still smells poo*
Step 2: Discovers that the poo is in fact on my OWN shoe, and after an embarrassed hop/walk to the ‘Lu’ I clean and sanitize my shoe and self, whilst dry heaving. Done.
*Still smells poo*
Step 3: Irritated, I see that I have missed a terd on my OTHER shoe. Get myself back to the ‘Lu’ and remedy my situation. Return to my desk with a can of Febreeze from the ‘Lu’ and spray the …well.. the whole floor, and the lobby for good measure. Cause co-worker to struggle with breathing, however temporary. Done.
*Still smells poo*
Step 4: After mouthing a furious W-T-F!?!? I look for the still remaining stink. Oh, Mother of Pearl, it is ON. MY. CHAIR!!! I roll my chair back and realize that each time I sat back down and put my feet on the legs/casters of my chair.. I was smearing the shit EVERYWHERE! It was even, you know, (dry heaving now) up thar…in the wheel mechanism. I can’t get to that with a paper towel and disinfectant! So pissed beyond measure, I wheel my shit seat outside and spray it full force with our garden hose. My laughing co-workers look on.. from inside the lobby. I dry of my seat.. disinfect again, the chair and myself, and resume my serious work.
*no more smells*
I hardly EVER get a chance to go outside! I went out, like, once.. to give a message to a kid.. and blammo! I step in poo! And what un-Godly creature made this poo? It was like goose poo, but we don’t have geese, so I am thinking it was the Ring Necked Pheasant that’s been hanging around campus. I’m going to be watching my step very carefully from now on!
3 Comments
May 6, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Thank you, Lisa. Once again, your account of personal suffering made my evening. This is awesome.
Just havin’ a post-belly-laugh thought: Pheasant poo sounds exotic and potent, but I doubt it’s THAT smelly. Wouldn’t it be more barnyard benign, like chicken or duck? Don’t you think it’s some random dog with an irresponsible owner? (think how many people must use those fields as an off-leash area)
May 6, 2009 at 8:39 pm
LOL. I am glad it is not just me. I seem to smell things all of the time. I actually have been smelling dog poo for 3 days now, and we don’t have a dog!
Once I was in my daughter’s bedroom with the window closed and I smelled cigar smoke. After a frantic search, I went out side to the other side of the yard where our garage is, and inside with the door shut was my dear husband and a dang cigar (which he normally doesn’t smoke). WTF?
I am with you nose sister!
May 7, 2009 at 7:06 am
Where do you work that you are having to deal with pheasant crap?!