Bathroom Etiquette

I have some serious pet peeves when it comes to the bathroom.  SERIOUS!  The first thing that annoys me, and I must fix it immediately, is improperly installed toilet paper.  

So… which of the following is the correct way to install your TP?

a.  With paper roll dispensing sheets from the top

b.  With paper roll dispensing sheets from underneath

c.  It doesn’t matter, both ways are fine.

Answers:

a. CORRECT!  YOU WIN!  YOUR MOM IS PROUD!

b. WRONG.  JUST WRONG.

C. WRONG AND LAZY!  It’s a wonder you don’t use the sink for your business!  

Here’s an instructional video to help  you get this simple task right:

The second item is the much debated, seat up vs. seat down.  Three times today I found the seat UP in our faculty bathroom.  Once.. there was unflushed pee! 

I was PISSED (giggling)!  So I typed up this note and taped it at eye level for those who stand to pee:

seat up!

Now.. I caught a lot of flack from some men friends about this.  Why should the women get special treatment.. and blah blah blah whatever….(grrrrr!)

To validate the rule LAW that the seat should always be put down, I searched to vault of all truths.. the internets.  Here’s what I found at The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette:

We get asked this question all of the time:

Should I leave the seat up, or put the seat down?

Sometimes it’s at work, sometimes it’s at home, but our answer (with a few small exceptions) is always the same…

Leave the seat down!

Listen, this isn’t about logic, or statistics, or minimizing global effort or anything other than etiquette and doing what’s right. It’s right to leave the seat down, because women prefer it that way. It’s right to leave the seat down because it’s simply the nice thing to do. Oh, and you know how you say it’s so easy for women to put the seat down before they go? While it’s just as easy for men to put the seat down after they go. You get to pee while standing up. Women don’t, so grant them this one small courtesy!

But what about those exceptions I was talking about? While there’s really only one. If you live alone, and never entertain female company, go ahead and leave the seat up. Otherwise, be a real man and leave it down.

Okay, I lied – maybe there are two exceptions. Rick brings up the case where a toilet is going to be used exclusively by men, even if only temporarily. Say your buddy is having a fantasy football draft, there’s 15 guys in the house, no women, and a ton of beer. There’s going to be a lot of peeing, and a lot of bathroom usage, and not a lot of reason to keep putting the seat down only to have the next guy lift it back up, or even worse, pee all over it.

Finally, Andrew reminds me of the following very important consideration:

I notice that your site has a page about seat position, but fails to take hygiene into account; any bathroom with a toothbrush less than 6 feet (approximately 2 meters) away from the toilet seat should not only have the seat down, but the cover as well. Admittedly, this method isn’t convenient for anybody, as whoever uses it will have to lift something, but otherwise, think about the germs that are mixed into the air and spread to your toothbrush the moment you flush.

This is good advice for anybody flushing a toilet in their home!

In MY house…. MY house.. we keep the lid down.  We don’t even keep our toothbrushes out, but the lid is always down.  I NEVER have to put the seat down at home.  My boys are well trained.  Now if I can only get my co-manworkers to get it right.  

Thanks ICBE!  Check out their other great bathroom etiquette tips.  Are you doing #1 and #2 in a mannerly fashion?  Are you?

The Nose Knows III

The Nose Knows.. has now become a trilogy.  It’s a powerful nose, smells both the good and the bad.   Here’s what my nostrils happened upon TODAY:

Sitting at my desk, minding my bidness  (daydreaming and whatnot), I actually see it before I smell it, a rarity in itself.  Greenish streaky smear on the floor behind my desk.  Here’s my approach:

Step 1:  Blame someone else for stepping in some kind of crap and bringin’ it to my personal space.  Then.. reluctantly.. get paper towels and wipe up whilst dry heaving. Stinky shit. Seriously. Done.

*Still smells poo*

Step 2:  Discovers that the poo is in fact on my OWN shoe, and after an embarrassed hop/walk to the ‘Lu’ I clean and sanitize my shoe and self, whilst dry heaving. Done.

*Still smells poo*

Step 3:  Irritated, I see that I have missed a terd on my OTHER shoe. Get myself back to the ‘Lu’ and remedy my situation.  Return to my desk with a can of Febreeze from the ‘Lu’ and spray the …well.. the whole floor, and the lobby for good measure.  Cause co-worker to struggle with breathing, however temporary.  Done.

*Still smells poo*

Step 4:  After mouthing a furious W-T-F!?!? I look for the still remaining stink. Oh, Mother of Pearl, it is ON. MY. CHAIR!!!  I roll my chair back and realize that each time I sat back down and put my feet on the legs/casters of my chair.. I was smearing the shit EVERYWHERE!  It was even, you know, (dry heaving now) up thar…in the wheel mechanism.  I can’t get to that with a paper towel and disinfectant! So pissed beyond measure, I wheel my shit seat outside and spray it full force  with our garden hose.  My laughing co-workers look on.. from inside the lobby.  I dry of my seat.. disinfect again, the chair and myself, and resume my serious work.

*no more smells*

I hardly EVER get a chance to go outside!  I went out, like, once.. to give a message to a kid.. and blammo!  I step in poo!  And what un-Godly creature made this poo?  It was like goose poo, but we don’t have geese, so I am thinking it was the Ring Necked Pheasant that’s been hanging around campus.  I’m going to be watching my step very carefully from now on!

pheasant-poo

Fun Times in Radiology….

Oh my people, where do I begin?  My back.   MY BACK!  Grrrr!

When I was oh, I don’t know, about 13 or something, it was discovered during one of those routine checks in PE that my back was growing all wonky.  I had a experimental treatment for the time, where they put electric pads on my back to shock my muscles into contracting while I slept.  Just short of “One Flew Over the Cukoos Nest,” I know.  And I did this for 3 years.  But it was cool.. my Orthopedic Dr. is like, famous now and the tech that helped looked like Sting and smelled like heaven.. you all know about my nose and men’s cologne.

So.. over time…. much much time… my body has compensated for it’s wonkiness in special ways.  Like…I have a weak back, but a strong stomach, and my ass.. well let me tell you… THEY are mighty strong too.  Still, every now and NOW I get flair ups.  Turn just wrong, lift something I shouldn’t.. and it seizes up.  So even though I feel like I’ve been to every specialist under the sun for this, I went to another today.  The day played out in a most interesting and hilarious way:

Rush out of the house so as not to be late for an appointment I have the wrong time for and show up an HOUR early.  Fail.  So.. I think.. hey, “fast food breakfast and a coffee!”  I pull into Wendy’s, alone to see a sign, “Now open at 9:00 am.”  It’s 8:00 am.  I shake my fists and curse at Wendy, and realize I’m not alone. Dude opening the jiffy lube caught the whole thing.  I give him a stink eye wave off and speed out of the parking lot.  I got a coffee at Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich that is totally overpriced because it has the word “Artisian” in its description.  Whatever.  Back to the doctors office.

I get called back and they are going to want X-rays.  Obviously.  They give me not a robe but these shorts to wear.  SERIOUSLY.  THESE SHORTS ARE MADE OUT OF THICK PAPER! I brought them home for Mark to wear.

 

X-Ray Shorts

The assistant jokes that they are made my Calvin Klein.  I had a cute out fit on too.. tank.. little sweater, polka dot skirt, and wedge sandals.  I exchanged the skirt for the damn shorts and strutted my self down the hall to the x-Ray room (in my wedge heels), losing hawtness in every step.  

Now for the awkward part, yep.. cuz the shorts are not awkward enough.  The X-Ray dudes, one senior, one student instruct me to lie on the big hard table for my pictures. One flat on my back, the next in the fetal position on my left side.  Do you know what happened to those big ass shorts?  My fetal position took the worthless waistband half way down my butt.  I reach my hand back there (the techs are both standing behind me) and say, “Look at your worthless X-ray shorts!  You can totally see my underwear!”  “We see a lot of  underwear in our line of work.”  And people, I must have grabbed the gnarliest pair of panties I had in my drawer.. those poor techs.  Next, I have to arch my back while still on my left side.  Old tech says.. “Wow.. you are really limber.”  Heh.. heh…( my laughing, not his, cuz he is SOOO professional). I manage to tweak  my back trying to get off the damn X-ray table.

Perfect.

Back to the doctor, and he says.. after looking at my pictures.. that he wants one more.  Full back so as to capture all of my scoliosisness.  Off to radiology, in my unsexy shorts, no longer strutting, cuz y’all saw my granny panties.  I walk in and face both techs.  “You’ll need to take off your bra for this X-ray, so no metal shows up,”  says the older one. Right before their eyes, I take off my little sweater, and in seconds un-fasten my strapless bra and toss it to the X-ray table.  I wasn’t trying to be a porn star, sometimes it just happens. Older tech says, ” I don’t know how women can do that so fast.”   I have to stand for this X-ray and the techs are poking my hips this way and adjusting my shoulder this way.. all the while “the girls” are at full attention, in a tank top.  The techs stopped talking to me, except for the old guy apologizing for having to poke at me so much.  So.. I took my left index finger and gave him a nice jab in the shoulder.. just being fair and all.  Picture done, I strut back to the room in the shorts, heels and a tank with no bra.   I am so bad you don’t even know.  Here’s the picture:

my back

The end result is that the Doctor said I have to exercise my core Every. Day. 

Meh.

To prevent further injury.  Ok.. I guess I will.  Right after I finish these 3 oreos, mkay?